“Portal to Hell” discovered in Humanities Building
It was recently announced that classes held in the Humanities Classroom Building were set to move to an online format until October 1 until the Dean’s office was struck with an outpouring of student emails requesting that in-person instruction continue. In a recent mass email to students, Dean Samuels thanked students for making their voices heard on the issue.
“Since yesterday’s message, we heard from many of you about your desire to continue with face-to-face classes in the building. You guys gave us serious hell about it. You can have your in-person classes, sure. Thanks for reaching out, I guess.”
However, students were not the only ones reaching out. Sightings of gremlin-like creatures and horrific, unspeakable monstrosities have skyrocketed, confirming what many had feared. The temperature issues are clearly the result of a newly opened “gateway to an infernal realm resembling Hell” according to UofSC Custodial Services.
The cause of the portal bridging dimensions is unknown, but the prevailing theory is that a mishap on a Latin exam is to blame. When reached for comment, the chair of the UofSC Classics Department had this to say:
“Claustrum inter infernum et terram perforatum est. Infernus et terra unum sunt. Aetas hominis finivit.”
Despite the obvious danger to life and limb, students are determined to keep classes in-person, come hell or high water. Chauncey Stebbins, a student taking classes in the Humanities Building had this to say on the issue:
“I’ll be damned if we go back to online classes. I’ll head back to Zoom University when hell freezes over!
Simon Cuzak, an English professor holding classes in the building claims “It was hard enough to hear each other speak when it was just masks blocking the way. Now we have to compete with the wailing spirits of the damned. I wish they would all just shut the hell up, already!”
The Third Spur will continue to report on the ongoing apocalypse, but one thing is for certain: for those that think classes will ever go back to being online, abandon all hope.
