Opinion: 5 Must-Try Drugs This Fall Break

With Fall Break coming up for the first time since 2019, everyone on campus is asking themselves “How do I have a good enough time to make last Saturday’s hospital transport look like last Thursday’s hangover migraine?”  Here at the Third Spur, we’ve been keeping our ear to the ground, and we are happy to present our curated list of 2021’s hottest narcotics.

  1. Ketamine. Ah, the ol’ Special K–recently, it seems like horses really know how to have fun! This tranquilizer will have you feeling like you’re walking on air, away from the stress of all those midterms coming up on Monday. Not to mention, coming off of this one, you’re guaranteed to sleep like a log.
  2. GHB. Liquid Ecstasy, or so it’s called. This bad boy will give you a pretty fun euphoric feeling, like finally getting that TikTok dance just right. The thing to look at with this stuff is what they’re used for in the medical world, and gamma-hydroxybutyrate commonly treats narcolepsy. Oh yeah, this puppy will get you a full 8 hours of rest, great after all the exhausting work you’ve been doing this semester.
  3. Temazepam. This is hardcore, so don’t try this unless you’re really looking for a good time. You ever heard of benzos? This little pill will make you get into bed, pull up your covers, and send you full speed to Dreamland in no time. It doesn’t matter how early your mom gets up to vacuum the house, you can expect to wake up at the end of your natural sleep cycle perfectly refreshed.
  4. Eszopiclone. This one packs quite a punch, and by that I mean you’ll be knocked out fast. Have you been losing sleep to your roommate’s late-night gaming? Staying out too late studying in the library? This weekend, you’ll be taking a destination vacation straight to your bed. This sucker will have you feeling cozier under the covers than a Bud Light in a Gamecocks koozie.
  5. N-acetyl-5-methoxy tryptamine. Everyone’s heard of this one, but if you haven’t tried it, it’s the best bang for your buck on the market. Not only is it more available than other substances on the list, but for you boho readers out there, you’ll be happy to hear it’s an all-natural option. If you’re committed to making this Fall Break all about the experience, nothing will treat you better than melatonin.

Fall Break is an opportunity for you to try things you can’t do when you’re stuck at school. And what is it you’ve been missing between the parties, studying, and devious licking? Anyways, don’t overthink it; whether you’re visiting old friends or taking time for yourself, you won’t want to be the only one without an outrageous story about that crazy dream you had.