Opinion: It’s Time to Finally Make Big Thursday a National Holiday

Big Thursday is a Big day. Many would say it’s the Biggest day of the year. But for some reason it hasn’t been made a national holiday. And that’s a Big problem.

How have we put up with this for so long? As we all know, Big Thursday is more than just any ordinary holiday. It is the embodiment of everything our country stands for; everything we have accomplished as a nation. We as a country are so culturally intertwined with the Big Thursday tradition that it has become part of what it means to be an American.

Who doesn’t remember the March on Washington when Martin Luther King Jr. got up in front of millions and said, “I have a dream that one day people of all colors can celebrate Big Thursday in unison.”? Or Abraham Lincoln’s emotional words in the Gettysburg address: “On this Big Thursday we mourn our fallen brethren, but we must also appreciate their Bigness on the battlefield.”

Perhaps President John F. Kennedy put it best when he said, “Big Thursday is not just about celebrating how Big we are, but how Big we can become.”

He was, of course, shot in the head moments later.

With all the historical significance behind Big Thursday one would think we would need a day off to celebrate it.

Ah, but what do I know? I guess the women’s suffrage movement didn’t matter. I guess we didn’t fight and win two world wars. I guess Jesus Christ died on the cross for absolutely no reason. The government doesn’t care about celebrating our history; they only care about stupid days, like Valentine’s Day, and Presidents’ Day, and Green Day?? When will we start focusing on the days that actually matter? We are the U S of A. We do things differently. We do things BIG. And the world needs to know about it.

That’s why I say it’s time we take matters into our own hands. We need to show those ass-eating pissboys running the government what Big Thursday truly means to us in the only way we know how: by throwing a massive party of epic proportions.

My place. Sunday. Bring crocs. It will be the Biggest Thursday of your lives.