Ranking Horror Movie Villains from Scariest to Horniest
Hello all, I am Edward McFarfin, a film professor here at UofSC. As Halloween fast approaches, I have been preparing this write-up on several popular horror film antagonists. Many students come to me and inquire, “Professor McFarfin, from a critical analysis standpoint, what horror movie monster is the scariest?” or, “Professor McFarfin, in your professional opinion, what horror movie monster is the horniest?” Thus, spawned this article.
The Beldam
Woah! That is one creepy-ass lady, and damn I don’t like it. She has legs, a sweater, and hair – yikes. She has terrifying, beady eyes that penetrate my freaking soul. Every night, I wake up in a panicked sweat with visions of this lady standing over my bed. Nothing “mommy” about this scary movie mother. She gets a -5/10 on the horny scale, actually removing the horniness from the room she is in.
The Dude from Creep
Any Creep fans in the building? The antagonist in this series of films is your average white guy (except he occasionally hits people in the head with an ax). Average white guys can be pretty scary, I mean, have you ever stepped into Greek Village? Even worse, this guy has a beard. He could be hiding all sorts of things under that beard, and I for one don’t wanna be around to find out. However, from experience, I know that average white guys can be pretty horny at times, so because of that, he’s getting a 3.33/10 on the horny scale.
Pennywise
Listen, clowns are freaky, period. So throw in a clown, nasty teeth, long nails, and weird dancing, and you have a pretty scary character. The guy even eats kids, that’s pretty fucked. But, sometimes, I am left to wonder what those long, sharp fingers would feel like running down my spine. Pennywise isn’t oblivious to it either; why do you think he chose to hang out under the storm drain? It’s just like the jets at the pool that nobody wants to admit feel good. 7.5/10.
The Blob
Ohhh, man. I’m struggling to even write this one, I’m all shook up. An amorphous mound of you know what; just imagine all of the things I could do to it, it could do to me. From its curves, sass, and lack of gender or defining features, damn it’s smoking. This little devil leaves so little to the imagination and it works for me. I just want that blob to eat me all up. Mmmhmmm. Damn. 11/10.
Guys, I, uhh, really have to go now. Like, it’s, uhhh, a family emergency … or whatever. I just really have to go right now, so thank you for reading, and uhhh, yeah, like nothing weird or anything, like I’m totally good, I just have to go right now… yeah … soooo, uhh, bye.
