23 Things You Absolutely Must Do For The Culture
NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. THE CULTURE DEPENDS ON IT!
1. Place a can opener in your pocket.
2. Go to the nearest Walmart Neighborhood Market and purchase EXACTLY 63 packages of 12 oz Great Value Corned Beef (2 Pack), at $6.24 per package.
3. Take all 63 packages and place them in a line in the very back of an Old Navy.
4. Pull the can opener out of your pocket and open each of the 126 cans two-thirds of the way (enough for the smell to escape the can, but not enough to spoil the corned beef).
5. Wait 3 days.
6. Get a tattoo of a map of the Federal Correctional Institution Dublin across your chest.
7. After three days, walk back into the Old Navy and loudly proclaim, “BOY DOES IT SMELL LIKE CORNED BEEF IN HERE!”
8. At this point, the employees should notice the scent.
9. Rally the employees to the back of the store and consume all 3,024 ounces of corned beef.
10. Use the empty corned beef cans to prop the door open so that the leftover smell can escape the Old Navy.
11. In return for your heroism, demand that Old Navy provide you 41 pairs of Size 8 Mid-Rise Rockstar Super Skinny Jeans for Women (your gender is now irrelevant from here on out).
12. Now, quickly, before time runs out, tie forty pairs of the pants together to form a rope.
13. On October 26th, ride a tandem bicycle up to the gates of the Federal Correctional Institution in Dublin, California.
14. Cry and tell them you want to look the man who tied all your pants together (except for one pair) in the eye, and they’ll probably let you in.
a. If this doesn’t work, just tell them you’re a lawyer.
15. Tell them you have to go to the bathroom.
16. While in the bathroom, use one of the toilets to hoist yourself into the main vent.
17. Carefully remove your shirt.
18. Using the map you tattooed across your chest, navigate to cell 61 in the B wing of the prison.
19. Quietly open the vent, tossing down your shirt and the 41st pair of jeans into the cell.
20. Once you get the all-clear, lower the jeans enough for Felicity Huffman to be pulled into the vent with you.
21. Give her a swift kiss on each cheek and whisper, “Go, my child,” into her right ear.
22. While Felicity is headed up to the roof, crawl back to the bathroom so you can tell the people at the front desk that you’ve decided to forgive.
23. Get back on your tandem bike and ride it around to the back where Felicity is waiting for you.
You’ve done it! The culture thanks you.
