Hide your friends! Hide your family! Hide the cat you’ve raising behind your RM’s back! Hide that guy whose room you’ve been visiting every night to “study”! They’re back.
Several years back, the campus was plagued by a group of drifters with a hankering for oil. Many students were attacked, many roads were blocked, and many lives were lost. The campus was left barren. Thankfully, Pastides and his armed patrols of golf-cart-riding, Busch-Light-drinking, tobacco-chewing roughnecks were able to run those rat bastards off of campus.
The oil fiends took time to hide and regroup during tough-guy Caslen’s reign, but now that Pastides is back, they’ve evolved, and they know they can take his oil.
Reports of the first attack rolled in over the weekend. Sophomore Sandy Butler reported, “I was trying to find a parking spot for my class at Coker when an emaciated bald man ran at me from out of a bush. He yelled, ‘Give me your oil baby, I want that sweet oil.’ When I refused, he proceeded to shave both of his eyebrows off, and then fumble around with the hood of my car, seemingly unable to find the way to unlatch it.”
Butler then reported this man finally accepting defeat, ran towards 5 Points, yelling more oil-related gibberish.
This is the first of these daunting encounters, but it surely won’t be the last. The president’s office has commented on the situation saying, “Pastides is working on a prospective plan, but he needs time to refine it.”
UofSC’s campus is already feeling the effects of the oil-obsessed maniacs. Cooking oil, gasoline, Vaseline – any petroleum-based product is in danger. Tavolino has been forced to go to an all olive, no oil menu. The Comet buses have all been converted to rickshaws. All sex in Patterson is completely unlubricated.
Most terrifying of this all, though, are the oil cult sympathizers on campus. A group of students has formed a coalition in favor of this dangerous gang. Their spokesperson, Thorsten Gizzard, stated, “What constitutes one’s ownership of oil? What gives one more of a right to oil than these scary, eyebrowless men?” Thorsten and the rest of his greasy group of sympathizers are being monitored by the University.
To anyone who survived the first wave of oil attacks, remain cautious, but to anyone who has not, this is serious–don’t try to act slick.