Everyone knows what a ghost is, and documentaries like Ghost Hunters and Buzzfeed Unsolved have given us a glimpse into what ghosts are really like. While they can be scary, they can also be incredibly powerful allies if you treat them right. Here’s what I’m doing to make sure the ghosts are on my side when the reckoning comes.
First, I’m filling all open wall space in my home with doors that lead to nowhere. It is a well-known fact that ghosts LOVE doors. They like to make them creak, they like to open them, they like to slam doors very loudly while you’re recording audio for your German class speaking assignment. It may sound ridiculous, but giving the ghosts in my house more doors to slam has really made a big impact on their behavior.
For example, the ghosts in my house have been slamming more doors. This sounds bad, but I’m confident that the slamming will come to a halt within a few months. Being the playful creatures ghosts are, they love slamming doors. Giving them so many doors to choose from will tucker them out faster than a puppy in a backyard.
Second, I’ve been leaving out snacks for my ghosts. More specifically, my ghosts are being fed a diet of organic oak doors. I leave a few out before bed and when I wake up, all that’s left is a pile of doorknobs. This diet has left my ghosts full of energy, leaving them able to slam more doors.
Third, I noticed that some of my ghosts began to look different after a few weeks of door-slamming, so I decided to pick up a few bedsheets at my nearest Bed Bath & Beyond and cut a pair of eyeholes into each sheet. Be mindful that you MUST get your sheets from Bed Bath & Beyond. The ghosts will notice the difference and they won’t be happy if you get the sheets from a different store. I set out the sheets before bed, much like the organic oak doors, and when I woke up, discovered a pile of tattered, soiled sheets in place of the fresh ones. All that slamming can do a number on a bedsheet, especially if it gets caught in the door.
Ever since I’ve done these things for my ghosts, they have been much happier and more energetic. Instead of possessing my children, my little ghosties now wave their hands around in the hallway and go “oooOOOOooo.” My hair has been slowly falling out due to the stress the noise has caused, but I’m confident that proper phantom care will leave me and my family safe when the wraiths ride into our mortal plane.