Student Tests Positive After Barely Going To That Many Parties

A positive Coronavirus test result may come as a shock and unpleasant surprise to anyone who takes their health seriously, but none more than UofSC Junior Jules Hayworth. On Tuesday, Hayworth released the following statement via Twitter:

“how am i COVID positive. I only went to like three parties last week”

Indeed, according to a social media deep-dive and testimony from acquaintances, Hayworth appeared at the Chi Beta Beta “End of Summer Barbecue,” the Nu Alpha Kappa “Double-Mask Pre-Halloween Bash,” and pre-gamed at Lambda Delta’s “USC v. Vanderbilt Fratstravaganza Beer Pong Luncheon.” 

“Jules is the last person I would have expected to get the virus,” said roommate Mark Antoinette. “He’s so careful. Just two days ago I was ragging on him for deciding to sit out on Zeta Alpha Phi’s Post-Labor Day Slap the Bag Bonanza.”

A search through social media corroborates the account. Student Marley Windsor’s Snapchat story shows Hayworth standing at least six feet away while hitting her vape and then sanitizing his hands after passing it to another person. Giles McPherson’s “One Hell of a 100gecs Karaoke Gala” was limited to only one hundred guests, leaving basically enough room for Hayworth to social distance if he tried. And, to top it all off, he only made out with two people at the “Church of the Restoration Mutha-lovin’ Dance Soiree,” which, according to a follow-up tweet by Hayworth, “is wayyy less than my normal pull.”

The Third Spur reached out to Hayworth for comment. “I’m not sure what went wrong. I only ever took my mask off when I was talking to people who couldn’t hear me over the music, and I definitely washed my hands most of the time before sharing chicken wings with my bros. I mean, it really goes to show that if someone as safety-conscious as me can get it, anyone can.”

At press time, Hayworth was sending mass invites for an “Ice-Cool Incredible Isolation Party–BYOMask.”