On Saturday, January 28th, Former President Donald J. Trump came to Columbia and announced his candidacy for the 2024 presidential election.
But this article is not about that.
We have much, much bigger news.
Fred Smorg, associate editor of the Third Spur, has gotten laid — the first Third Spur writer to ever accomplish this task.
For years, Third Spur writers have successfully been eluding carnal relations. Rumors have floated around of alumni writers that have allegedly “done the deed” in their adult life, but none of these claims has ever been substantiated. Fred is the first to officially have done it.
“I broke the century long Third Spur tradition of staying away from Five Points,” stated Fred. “Turns out, there are a lot of girls there. I got to talking to a few of them in the Breaker’s line, told them about my collection of books about the Bolshevik Revolution, and asked them if they wanted to come see it.”
And to Fred’s surprise, one of them said yes!
Fred and his new friend caught an Uber back to his place. On the ride, said girl reached over to hold Fred’s hand. Being the first time this had happened to Fred, he decided the normal reaction would be to give her some background insight in to how he sourced the Bolshevik books. Fred proceeded to pour her a nice glass of Mountain Dew, on the rocks, and then went to look for his books. When Fred returned, however, it was apparent that his newfound friend was not interested in Vladimir Lenin.
Fred took the red LED lights that she had somehow installed in 2 minutes and the “Careless Whisper” by Wham that she began to play on a tape recorder as a hint that something was gonna happen.
I will spare you the details, because quite frankly, what Fred told me horrified me. There was a lot of bumping, a lot of grinding, and a lot of boots being knocked.
All I know, was that it was in fact the s-e-x word (probably).
With that being said, we have let Fred go because he broke the sacred Third Spur bond of celibacy. It is written in our Constitution that writers must abstain from sexual relations; it is the secret to our impeccable journalism.
Coincidentally, we have an associate editor position open here at the Third Spur. If you think you have what it takes, and are also chaste, email us your resume at email@example.com.