United States to be Demoted to Elder After Clan War Blunder
The Pentagon released a statement Tuesday explaining why it took the United States over 24 hours to shoot down the Chinese balloon that entered American airspace last Friday. Pentagon officials say it was because the “air defense located in Montana was being upgraded to level 11, which usually takes 7 days and 12 hours. Since upgrade times for troops and defenses have been increasing as we level up our base, the government has been spending gems to expedite the process. However, since maxing out our mom’s credit card (some refer to this event as “hitting the debt ceiling”), we have been unable to purchase more gems, and have run out entirely.”
“It is unacceptable that this balloon was in the air as long as it was,” said Florida governor Ron DeSantis over the weekend. “I told President Biden: If we upgrade to town hall 10 now, we won’t have enough gems to ensure our air defense is ready for the clan war, but he refused to listen. Now look what’s happened, China will likely deploy their archer queen to clean up the rest of our base.”
The Biden administration refuted DeSantis’ claim, as Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said Monday, “Sure, China may have two-starred our base, but we have a plan to get three stars on theirs. President Biden has prioritized getting our barbarian king to level 50, and additionally we have brewed several heal spells and a few rage spells to make our attack even more effective. We even have an army of hog riders ready to go right now. Did you know they can jump over walls? Sure, China may have a ‘great wall’, but the hog riders are just like, ‘haha screw this, imma jump over it.’ Pretty cool, right?” As soon as she finished speaking, echoes of “hooooooooggggg riiiiiddddeeeeerrrrr!!!” were heard from the White House war room down the hall.
Political analysts have commented for months now that the nation’s base has been vulnerable to air attacks, as non-partisan think tank Politico pointed out in December that our wizard towers are bunched too close together: “balloons are especially vulnerable to splash damage, which is what the wizard tower deals in large quantities. The Biden administration has our base organized best to defend a barbarian, archer, or goblin based attack, when a LavaLoonIon (lava hounds, balloons, and minions, for those of you who are uneducated) or electro dragon attack is much more likely given the state of technology these days.”
Furthermore, political analysts have pointed out the dichotomy in the agendas of Presidents Biden and Trump, as Biden seems to be very concerned with building infrastructure, whereas Trump focused more on leveling up our walls.
There have been rumors of clan leadership planning to kick the U.S. out of their clan, named NATO GANG 2015!!!, for their recent drop in production, although these rumors are unconfirmed. What is confirmed is that the clan leader is planning to demote the U.S. from co-leader to elder, “until they get back to form.”
