After Russia launched a full scale invasion of Ukraine, the United States and EU leaders convened on POTUS’ new yacht off of the coast of The Virgin White Men with Daddy Issues Islands to discuss ways to appease Vladi and stop the conflict from progressing into another embarrassing fiasco similar to the one in ‘14(two thousand) and ‘45(nineteen hundred). Third Spur’s International Correspondent Cocky de Carolina del Sur, who attended the meeting, said this, “ Yeah, so when they got here, they were all already in their speedos for some reason… Let me just say I’ve seen a lot, and I wish I could unsee a bunch of ugly, hairy men in speedos congregating around the mini-bar. Each grabbed their preferred choice of alcoholic beverage and went up to the meeting room.”
POTUS Bidet started off the meeting with an ice breaker, asking each leader which Euphoria character was their favorite and why. The discussion was cut short when France’s PM Macaron and Germany’s PM Weiner starting arguing whether they were #TeamCassie or #TeamMaddie.
After a momentary pause, Macaron raised concerns over what they were going to do with Vladi’s aggression against Ukraine. A quarrel immediately erupted over how Russia should be dealt with. Luckily for us, our Cocky got it all on record. Here are some of the things that were shouted:
“…Who the hell cares? Let him do whatever he wants as long as he follows through with our cut…”
“No, we cannot let Vladi do this again… There are people’s lives at play… Have you guys not read history?”
“Yeah, we need to show him who’s boss. Or he’ll get the wrong idea and might start ordering us around…”
After hearing a bunch of empty solutions, Bidet chimed in. “We need a real solution. If we appease Vladi with this and don’t put our foot down, he’s gonna put his food down our throat… And not all of us have a foot fetish *cough* Boring *cough*…” Everyone burst out laughing, as Boring got red and yelled “It only happened once, goddamn it! I knew you guys were never going to let it go.”
They all got silent for a while, when Macaron, while sipping on his Chard, raised his finger and said, “Okay, I was scrolling on Reddit last night…”
Everyone rolled their eyes.
“…no, no, hear me out. So I was scrolling on Reddit last night looking at NFT memes and there was this one guy that was like ‘Why don’t the world leaders just make an NFT of Ukraine and give it to Russia, that way Vladi ‘gets’ ownership of Ukraine, in the digital world, he can like brag about it, but without actually owning anything, and like people don’t have to die, we don’t have to nuke each other, everyone’s happy…”
Bidet looked at Macaron with a blank expression. After thinking about it, Bidet asked the group, “Okay, so which one of you guys knows how to use Photoshop?”
The following morning, Bidet held a conference with Vladi, which was televised worldwide. The whole world chimed in to see how POTUS would thwart another World War.
“Mr. Vladi, we talked privately, and after much deliberation, you agreed to stand down if the EU and I officially presented you with an extremely, rare, super-cool, the most expensive NFT that has ever existed. I present to you a certificate of ownership of an NFT of the country of Ukraine. Let’s shake on it.” Clearly, Vladi was appeased.
A picture of this historic moment of diplomacy was taken: