I woke up today to find the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and my coffee tasted good. I was just feeling myself. Out of all the holidays, Valentine’s Day is my favorite. Cocky and I have been dating for four months already and things are going pretty well. He told me that he had something special planned and I was so excited. I was supposed to meet him at 1:00 on the Horseshoe, but I decided to go there a little early because I know he hates it when I’m late.
So I got all pretty, got in my car, and drove to campus. Of course, there was no parking, because it makes sense to have only 100 parking spots for 25,000 students. Supply and demand, or something like that. UofSC clearly skipped econ. Anyway, I decided to take Greene Street on my way to the Horseshoe, and let’s just say the sequence of events that ensued made me wish I took the longer path.
You know..? I was so damn excited to see what Cocky had planned for me, so I just don’t understand why he would do this to me!
As I’m walking on Greene Street, who do I see? My boyfriend! Doing what you may ask? GIVING WHAT WAS MEANT TO BE MY WORMS, MILLET, AND CORN TO SOME OTHER GIRLS. THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY GIFT!!! I MEAN, IS THIS HIS IDEA OF MAKING ME FEEL SPECIAL ON THIS DAY OF LOVE?! IF HE WAS TRYING TO CHEAT ON ME, HE SURE AS HELL WAS NOT TRYING TO HIDE IT.
I simply couldn’t believe my eyes. It was like the freaking bachelor, and Cocky was the horny douchebag giving out the ‘roses’ left and right. I mean, now that I’m thinking about it, why do I even like this guy? He literally snores so loud. He wakes up screaming at the cluck of dawn, consequently waking up the whole goddamn neighborhood. His feet are fucking giant, and yellow..? Like is that even normal? He literally never shaves his stupid beard that only grows under his giant ugly nose. He has this health condition that makes his eyes giant, which sometimes creeps me out honestly. Like, why are you staring at me?? NOT TO MENTION THAT WHEN WE KISS, IT UNIRONICALLY FEELS LIKE MAKING OUT WITH A BIRD. PECK, PECK, PEC — finished. His you-know-what is so fragile that one day when we were playing together, I accidentally cracked one open and a chick fell out… Oh, and I was never supposed to tell this to anyone, but he actually has a prosthetic comb because he chickened out and got beat up by this tiger or something. Embarrassing.
I had just never been so outraged before. I walked up to him and started yelling at him like any normal girlfriend would do. Of course, he froze when he saw me, and all the girls immediately scattered. I just felt so heartbroken, so…uhhh….I accidentally, but kind of not, ripped his head off…? Oh man, what am I going to do? I promised USC that I wouldn’t get jealous and do this again. As I was about to run away…
I woke up to my boyfriend’s Cockle-doodle-doo. The worst alarm cluck. And yes, his head was still in place.