Students Willing to Endure Nuclear Fallout for Improved Parking

This morning protestors gathered again in front of the city planning offices in downtown Columbia as the city unveiled plans to increase parking for UofSC students. Answering cries for what students have called “a barren parking dystopian wasteland,” the city has zoned new land for vehicle storage. However, PR coordinator of the urban planning committee Natasha Jacobs has expressed concern to The Third Spur that the move has not received the public support the city was expecting.


“All polls and indicators showed clear signs that more parking was a number one issue for students” Jacobs told us in our exclusive sit-down with her last Friday. “Our current proposal includes parking spaces for most undergraduates, and expands the number of lots for professors and graduate students alike… It’s hard to imagine what more the city could do in this circumstance.”


Yet our field reporters gathered quite a different story from student protestors. When asked what they disliked the most about the city’s plan most students complained about the lack of “scale,” “forward thinking,” and “bad-ass-wicked awesome-explosives” in the proposal.


“Dynamite is the standard in urban demolition nowadays,” Junior Raymond Curran remarked on the steps of the Capitol building this morning. “Standard isn’t enough in today’s times. We need to think bigger! Demolishing a few condos isn’t going to solve this problem.”


When pressed on his solution Curran suggested seeking aid from the federal government. “They’re the only one with the firepower that’s going to be able to put a real dent in the city’s parking problem… Nuclear is the only way to go.”


Others in the crowd agreed that only the power of a uranium (or even plutonium) based nuclear warhead would be able to provide the adequate number of spaces needed for students.


Student turnout to the city planning office was higher than projected by Third Spur analysts. When asked why students came out in high numbers, many remarked that downtown Columbia was “only a block away” from where they park their cars to attend classes in LeConte College.


Sophomore Allison Richards, groggy eyed and half asleep, informed The Third Spur reporters that “I’m up at 7:30 every morning just to compete for a spot next to the Starbucks,” only to pull a fat U turn in the lot and speed off to a garage for my 8:30 class.”


Richards endorsed the strategy of leveling the city with “something cool from those movies, yeah you know the ones that like Michael Bay produces or whatever.”


Ethical concerns were quickly tossed out in favor of “having less than a twenty-minute walk to my 10 AM class,” an opinion that was quickly echoed from student protestors.


It is unclear if city officials will amend their course of action in favor of obliterating the municipality into a nuclear hellscape. Current Pew Research polling shows approval of a nuclear strike at an all-time high of 60%, just overshadowing another parking solution of encouraging the use of Mad Max style vehicles to crush cars already in occupied spaces.