Spurs Abroad: Germany’s Bundestag Election 2021

Here at Third Spur, we like to keep our loyal readers up to date on important world news. As you all of course know, Germany’s election has recently taken place. Chancellor Angela Merkel—known affectionately as “Mommy Merkel”—has retired and left some big shoes to fill.

Olaf Scholz, representing the SPD, won 25.7% of the votes, making him the front runner. But even if he becomes chancellor, he can’t compare to Mommy, ahem, excuse us, former Chancellor Merkel. Scholz does not have the vivacious head of hair that Merkel has. One could slowly run their hands through Merkel’s hair while whispering to her sweet nothings, but this is not a possibility with Scholz’s stupid, bald head. Do better, Scholz.

Armin Laschet is first runner up, representing the CDU/CSU. This is Merkel’s own party, so one would assume that Laschet has the “it” factor, but unfortunately, one would assume wrong. Third Spur foreign correspondent, Todd Cuckster, remarked, “Armin Laschet has fallen short of Merkel’s bar. Mutter Merkel’s lips were notably luscious, known to smell like cherries and fine wine, while Laschet’s lips are at best described as averagely plump. I was front row at a press conference last week, and I assure you, the smell of his lips were more akin to the beer you left out for a weekend after the game, forgot about, and found Monday while getting ready for work.”

And don’t think for a second that Baerbock or Lindner do anything for us. Not only did they receive fewer votes than the rest, but they fail to turn our lederhosen into bratwurst tents. The whole lot has nothing going for them other than their dumb parties’ platforms. Before our very eyes, all sex appeal is leaving politics in Germany. At Third Spur, ever since Merkel has stepped down, her chancellor seat has been the only thing left up in the air.