Long Lines Result In State Of Emergency At Russell House Chick-Fil-A

With wait times exceeding fourteen hours and multiple students per day hospitalized by exhaustion, malnutrition, and boredom, the Chick-Fil-A line crisis at Russell House has devolved into a state of emergency.

The line, consisting entirely of freshmen university students, has been relatively constant in its size of hundreds of students who have been camping out since February, and more students continue to line up to buy Spicy Chicken sandwiches and 12-piece nugget meals.

University officials are taking note of the crisis, with President Harris Pastides expressing sympathy for their cause.

“You can’t really blame them. I’d wait for a sandwich combo and lemonade if I were them too,” he explained, mouth full of a #2 combo meal. “But it’s not like I have to,” he added between bites.

Conditions in the line are worsening by the day, and relief efforts from the school are not proving not to be adequate. To combat this, the Chick-Fil-A National Headquarters enlisted the actual cow from the Chick-Fil-A commercials to assist in their relief efforts of handing out pizza and water. To many in the large group of students, the cow was a welcome sight.

“I thought I was going to die out there, I haven’t eaten in 2 days.  So when I finally saw the cow coming around with pizza, I knew I could pull through,” explained freshman student Brian Clark.

Other students, who were visibly frustrated with the current dire conditions, weren’t so enthusiastic.

“Get that trash out of my face,” said freshman student Alex Johnson, who was being treated for malnutrition and dehydration when offered the pizza. “Does it look like I want pizza?”

When asked if they were going to continue braving the line for their chicken, the student response was unanimous, and Johnson summed it up succinctly.

“Of course I am– it’s not like there’s anywhere else in here worth eating from.”

As of press time, the lines to all other establishments in Russell House were completely empty.