Students Return From Break With Renewed Sense of Anxiety, Self-Loathing

Students of the University of South Carolina returned to campus this week reinvigorated by their own self-destructive thoughts, according to multiple sources. Men and women alike reported a sense of rejuvenation around their normal levels of stress and anxiety, and credited the annual Winter Break for giving them space for these thoughts to reenter their consciousness.

“Oh, it’s great,” said Marketing major Cassie Steiner, ” you don’t have the time to be hard on yourself during the year, what with school and work and everything, but [the break] really lets you take a breath and reflexively tense up.”

Steiner added, “You don’t want your self-esteem hovering around normal for too long.”

Some returning students fondly recalled lying silent in their childhood rooms, staring at the ceiling, and contemplating the overbearing burden of existence with a nostalgic smile, while others reported conflicting senses of apprehension and readiness to apply their anxieties to a new semester.