While many students were visiting family and catching up on sleep over the holidays, a maintenance crew was hard at work upgrading the filters in the fountain outside of the Thomas Cooper Library.
The Third Spur reached out to the Assistant Dean of Fountains, Dr. Thomas Whaylen, about what exactly this upgrade entails. “We’ve used cutting edge technology to filter everything out of the entire pool instantly.”
He explained that the university has “effectively created a big ass Brita. It’s 100% safe for students to drink now.”
As one of our correspondents made their way to test out the fountain first-hand, they ran into President Pastides on all fours, lapping ravenously at the newly filtered pool. Between massive gulps, he exclaimed, “This is amazing!” with water dripping from his moist, chiseled face.
Some students see the improvements as significant progress. Freshman Julia South explained, “I always hate having to carry around water bottles everywhere, and water fountains are just so inefficient. It’s amazing having this great source of clean water that I can just drink out of at literally anytime!”
Unfortunately, many students still remain skeptical. With the operation being done while no one was around, students are quite hesitant to guzzle the filtered water. “The best thing you can do it just drink it. Stop and drink the fountain water; tell your mom, your friends, heck, even your professors, to drink the fountain water,” said Dr. Whaylen, in response to their fears.
“Just get down on all fours and lap at that puppy like a dehydrated lion. We just really need as many people to drink that water as possible. This is going to be a huge hit, I already know it.”