Russell Employees Given Pass to Strike a Student of Their Choice

After an arduous negotiation, the Russell House University Union was finally able to secure their most sought-after demand from the University of South Carolina: one free pass for every employee to beat down a student of their choice. 

“I never thought I’d see this day,” says Brant Postich, an employee at Russell House’s Einstein Bros. Bagels. “We may have had to concede pay raises, maternity leaves, and half of our PTO, but the next time some stupid kid shows up at 6:45 am to watch me open up just so he can be first to order, the only breakfast he’ll be getting is a knuckle sandwich.”

Over the course of the 2020-21 school year, the Russell House employees have filed nearly 35,000 complaints about students. Data analysts have revealed an upward trend in “leaving their trash everywhere,” “not knowing how to use a kiosk,” and “asking if their order is ready yet.” That’s why, in January 2021, the Russell House University Union offered their proposal that every employee should be able to take out their frustrations on one student, once. According to the document, this is the only way to assure continued quality service and hospitality from Russell staff as students continue to “act boneheaded during an actual, literal pandemic.”

Marlene Sims says, “I work at Russell House’s Chick-Fil-A, and sometimes the crowds are so big I can practically see the COVID in the air. I have kids, and I will not let this job be the reason I catch the virus. I just need to get a clean hit on one maskless, Chubbies-wearing, polo-shirted frat guy, and the rest will shape up in no time.”

Included in the negotiation was the stipulation that students be notified of the development, the idea being that from now on, anyone who asks the Smokehouse workers why the drink machines are out of syrup “must really want to fight.” 

Kelly Mitchell, the spokesperson for the Russell House University Union, has high hopes for this new development. “All over Russell, morale is up, up, up. In terms of individuals, each person now starts shifts with a smile on their face, and in terms of teamwork, others have been bonding by coordinating who they will use their pass on. I see this as a real win for underpaid food service workers everywhere.”

At press time, a student being offered his receipt from the Oath Pizza cashier was seen flinching.