Dear Lord, the Oil-Hungry Murder Cult Returns to Campus
Hide your friends! Hide your family! Hide the cat you’ve raising behind your RM’s back! They’re back.
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Pastides
UofSC to Ban Students
“With the Delta Variant running rampant, it’s in our best interests to bring all studies to an immediate halt.”
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Pastides’ Successor has “Big Shoes to Fill”
Personable. Hardworking. Size 15. These are some of the traits students are looking for in our next USC President. There
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Long Lines Result In State Of Emergency At Russell House Chick-Fil-A
“When I finally saw the cow coming around with pizza, I knew I could pull through.”
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Four Students Obliterated and Consumed After Viewing Pastides’ True Form
“They must have witnessed his emergence from his shell of a human body.”
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Pastides And My Ex: A Comparison
You won’t believe who wins this one!
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BREAKING: USC President Pastides Revealed to be Cocky’s Father
A paternity test has confirmed their relationship.
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Students Fall Victim to Pastides’ Shin Kicks
“If I go down, so do you!”
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5 Pictures of Patricia Moore-Pastides That Will Have You Saying “Yas Kween!”
You wish you could SLAY like Patricia Moore-Pastides.
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Student Government Shuts Down After Pastides “Shithole States” Remark
‘Why are we having all these students from shithole states come here?’ Pastides said, according to those in attendance at the meeting. ‘What are all these people from Ohio doing here?’
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President Pastides Given Two Weeks to Throw Greatest Party Ever
He has bet Clemson University president James P. Clements he can throw ‘the most reckless rager in this state.’
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President Pastides Lands Side Job Trucking VCRs Across State Border
Pastides raised both hands and said, ‘I ain’t got half a hog’s guess ’bout anythin’ illicit goin’ down here.’
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Pastides Announces Free Smokes For President’s List Scholars
Pastides announced free packs of Newport menthols would be awarded to every student on the annual President’s List.
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USC Legalizes Cocaine To Curb Illegal Adderall Use
In a move to reduce illegal Adderall use, USC President Harris Pastides announced today that cocaine will now be legally sold on campus in a joint venture with Sodexo.
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Pastides Confused, Students Gone
Only two weeks after the end of spring semester, USC president Pastides has been seen running across campus frantically searching for students he considers ‘missing.’
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New Student Body President Confused That Pastides Still in Office
The new Student Body President, began his tenure confused to find university president Pastides still in his office.
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University of South Carolina Announces New Adderall-Free Policy
In response to growing concerns about students abusing prescription drugs such as Adderall during finals week, the University of South Carolina has stated in a recent press release that the Columbia campus will be Adderall-free as of December 1, 2015.
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Pastides: “I’m Going To Beat The Shit Out Of Clemson’s President This Weekend”
Following his recent first round K.O. of the president of Columbia College, President Harris Pastides of USC has done much
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