Pastides Confused, Students Gone

Only two weeks after the end of spring semester, USC president Pastides has been seen running across campus frantically searching for students he considers “missing.” After searching several residence halls, Pastides reportedly called all campus security together for a meeting to discuss the mass disappearance.

According to reports, it took several hours to calm the hysterical president. During those hours, he was said to have repeatedly stressed the importance of not letting the the parents find out. He also outlined plans to search Five Points and the surrounding area, stating that maybe the 20,000+ students had blacked out after celebrating the end of finals.

Despite an official press release which claims the president has returned to his normal state of mind, there are rumors that the president is under watch due to obsessively checking under furniture for students.