LeConte college reopens as University of South Carolina’s first 90’s school girl themed nightclub

Something exciting is happening on campus — and it’s not just Big Thursday.

For many sophomores and juniors on campus, this week marks the first time Leconte college has been fully operational following extensive renovations. Many students have wondered what these renovations have fixed, with students guessing common problems like rats, mold, or water damage from chess club members who held secret parties in the fantasy dungeon part of the campus tunnels underneath the building. 


Former university president and sex icon Pastides oversaw the majority of the project, taking over from former high school football waterboy Bob Caslen just after COVID, which caused a delay in construction. 


This delay soon proved fruitful, however, as Pastides decided to completely change Caslen’s original plan for LeConte to become a military draft center to a more appropriate and 18+ friendly opportunity for the university to profit. 


“They wanted to put in fancy shmancy technology to distract everyone from the installation of stocks for corporal punishment and a mural of the West Point oath on the wall next to a nude painting of George Washington sensuously holding the Declaration of Independence,” Pastides remarked impatiently. 


He continued, “Don’t you worry. I got rid of that immediately — chalkboards are much more conducive to the kind of environment I like to see my young students in, with desks I found at an all girls catholic school expo and long rulers for spanking (if you don’t do your homework). Back in my day this kind of thing was so much better for learning!” 


Students will be able to attend class at LeConte during the hours of 10am-4pm, at which time the building transforms into “LeCunt”, with Women’s Quad RMs beginning their Happy Hour bartending shifts (and all freshman girls drink free of course!). Bouncers will be posted on a rotating schedule, with Cocky taking the grand opening shift alongside the head of the math department. 


“I personally could not be more excited to see what LeCunt has to offer,” says freshman Lexeigh Lewis, a statistics major who is totally old enough to drink. “I’ve always wanted to see the historic building where chess club used to meet — it’s a huge bonus to get to go clubbing right after my math 111 lecture ends!” 


Not everyone is excited for this fresh rebrand, however, with my own honors statistics professor complaining about his office space being taken away just as soon as it was given to him. 


“They put a disco ball and a black light in my office. I already pushed back when they changed my office chair to a red velvet loveseat — and now they’re insisting my office be a private tutoring room during club hours. When will it end?” 


LeCunt opens this Wednesday with $3 everclear shots and wine served in juice boxes. Featured Cockstock performer, T Pain, is scheduled to begin his welcome set at 5. See you there in your high socks and braids!