These Hands Were Made for Holding, Not Hazing

Cover your cups and archive the pics of you and your pledge boyfriend, it’s fraternity rush season: starring 6 more weeks of “u up” texts and questionable dietary choices from the same boys who think Tame Impala is underground and Drake’s new album is already a “classic”!

Except this year’s rush marks the beginning of a new era for the young men rushing on campus.

Here at the University of South Carolina, our fine brothers are about to show every 5-inch inseam wearing, Old-Row-following, smart-mouthing, midnight-yikyaking, Darla bro-ing freshman a safe and wonderful time they’ll never forget.

Some parents and very concerned sorority girlfriends have raised concerns over alleged hazing practices, but thanks to our university’s “these hands don’t haze” “zero-tolerance” hazing policies, there is absolutely nothing to worry about. Even some of our own chapters have taken extra steps to help prevent the silly fads of fraternity rush past, citing new traditions that will begin this year and set a new precedent that truly embodies the spirit of brotherhood.

“The tradition I’m most looking forward to is probably stargazing from the top of the horizon garage together on the night of a full moon,” says sophomore Benjamin Dover of Lambda Chi Alpha (who requests his frat remain anonymous). “I can’t think of a better bonding experience between me and these handsome kings who I get to guide through this life-changing time. I can’t wait to point out my favorite constellation, Pegasus, to these new pledges, and hear about why they think the night sky can really put your long-term goals into perspective.”

According to Mike Oxsmall, a freshman pledge living in McBryde, three traditions, in particular, are highly anticipated by pledge class ‘21: fresh-baked gamecock shaped sugar cookies every Sunday (as a celebration of another week well done); waterslide and worship Wednesday (Bible study with a wet twist!); and the week-long wellness retreat in the mountains that includes a spa day and full body massage for those tension-filled shoulders (brothers only, of course 😉).

“There’s just something so special about spending time with these guys who want nothing more than to see me shine,” says Mike. “Rush is all about building your self-love and learning how to show your brothers how important they are to you in a way that lifts you both up. It’s so beautiful to know I’ll be a part of this gentle, swag-filled community, and I can’t wait for the moment that sacred wooden paddle smacks my ass in acceptance and acknowledgement of the lives we’ll lead–together.”

Godspeed, Mike Oxsmall. We at Third Spur could not be happier for you.