North Korean State Media Buys The Daily Gamecock

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea’s state news media, The Korean Central News Agency, has purchased the majority share in the USC media company The Daily Gamecock for an undisclosed sum of money and uranium. The purchase was approved by the Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, believing the The Daily Gamecock to be the most viable option for spreading correct, unbiased Korean news to the West.

“American fans of The Daily Gamecock need not worry,” Kim Jong-un assured reporters during a press statement. “We do not plan to make any substantial changes to the high quality stories they write. We would not want to ever blur the facts or censor any information. These are exciting times for the Korean people, and we want to make sure everyone knows the truth.”

In an interview with The Third Spur about the acquisition, an editor from The Daily Gamecock was optimistic. “They’ve installed a lot of cameras to increase security in our new office,” he said. “Praise the glorious leader.”

Future stories that readers can expect to see soon include:

-“Scientists Confirm the Americans are All Bastards”

-“North Korea Successfully Lands Man on Moon”

-“North Korea Successfully Lands Man on Sun”

-“Kim Jong-un Single-Handedly Beats USC Men’s Basketball”

-“Opinion: We Need More On-Campus Parking and Also Kim Jong-un is Great”

-“Applications for Voluntary Forced Labor Camps at All Time High”

At press time, talks were in place for North Korea to acquire SGTV.