Pastides And My Ex: A Comparison

After some serious investigation, I’ve come to the conclusion that Pastides and my ex are actually very similar. Allow me to list the ways:

SHELF LIFE

Pastides has been around for about ten years, which is way longer than my ex and I were together (about 3 years). Point to Pastides for sticking around for so long.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS

Pastides has been happily married for 38 years. My ex is now single. Another point for Pastides.

NUMBER OF SINGLES ON SOUNDCLOUD 

Pastides has a couple of interviews on SoundCloud, but no singles. My ex has 15 tracks, seven of which are originals. My ex takes this one by a landslide.

ABILITY TO TIE A KNOT 

My ex was a frickin Eagle Scout for gosh sake. Pastides? Not an Eagle Scout. But he sure did tie the knot with Patricia. Half a point to each of them.

NUMBER OF MINI COOPERS

Big-boy Pastides has the shiniest Gamecock Mini Cooper you’ve ever seen. My ex? No car at all. Kinda difficult to get around without a car, isn’t it David? Point Pastides.

NUMBER OF STARBUCKS OPENED

Pastides has been responsible for opening like 6 1/4 Starbucks stores around campus. My ex just dragged me to one once or twice a week. Point Pastides.

EMPLOYMENT STATUS

Pastides is retiring. HE knows when to move on. Unlike SOME people who I will not name. Point goes to the Pres.

YOU KNOW WHAT, SCREW YOU, DAVID. YOU AND YOUR STUPID CUT OFF SHORTS. MY DAD HAS MORE SOUNDCLOUD LISTENS THAN YOU. ALSO, THAT CARAMEL FRAPPE YOU MADE ME TRY THAT ONE TIME WAS ABSOLUTE TRASH AND I RESENT YOU FOR IT. LOSE MY NUMBER.

Point Pastides.

There you have it! Pastides is the clear winner here. Better luck next time, David.