A perfectly pitched battle unfolded yesterday evening as multiple a cappella groups resorted to fisticuffs in front of the Russell House Student Union. Bystander footage shows an argument starting between rival members of the Cocktales and Cockapella over who had the better cock pun. The argument became increasingly heated as members from the other singing-without-instruments groups joined in.
For reasons currently unknown, the disagreement suddenly evolved into a full-blown melee, with cell-phone video showing one unidentified soprano shouting “I’ll show your bitch-ass an ostinato!” before headbutting a rival tenor.
The violent waltz continued as more a cappella group members poured out of Russell House to join the donnybrook. Video evidence shows the harmonic yelling of expletives and threats, as the frankly obscene amount of combatants, all in garnet and black themed outfits of various styles, engaged in 19th-century style gang warfare.
“It was unlike anything I have ever seen,” said Chris Haines a freshman who witnessed the perfectly timed scuffle, “there were guys in bowties beatboxing behind everyone while some chicks were singing ‘Beat It’, all while beating the ever-loving shit out of each other”.
“I now feel scared to go out at night,” Haines continued, “I don’t know if I am going to be jumped by a bunch of instrument-less gangbangers all wearing identical black dresses.”
Police managed to disperse the impromptu dust-up within two minutes and peace was once again returned to campus.
USCPD released a statement this morning regarding the altercation. “We expected these kinds of actions from fraternity brothers but not from our esteemed and plentiful specialty singing groups. However, that was one phenomenal performance. The medleys sounded quite good and the outfits were on point. 4.5/5 stars.”
School of music professor Aston Hail also provided comment on the singers’ actions. “It was exactly as I had taught them, throw enough cheap shots to scare the competition while also sounding flawless. These are some rough streets; if they see the fear in your eyes, then you have already lost.”
At the time of publishing, no arrests have been made, but all 38 of the campus a cappella groups have been put on probation.