Amid historic highs in student mental health issues only heightened by COVID-19, today the University of South Carolina unveiled its newest “Just Get Over it Already” (JGOA) mental health initiative. The strategy promises to cut down on the burden placed on USC’s mental health resources by telling students “It’s all in your head,” “Everyone’s a little depressed,” and “It’s wrong to need the resources in the first place.” This strategy is exemplified by the new policy’s slogan: “Bring back the stigma.”
“The influx of mental health emergencies over the last few years is overwhelming,” said Mental Health Coordinator Sydney Johnson. “It’s proven impossible to meet the need for enough resources for all of these whiny students. The only logical solution is the reduce the demand for them.”
JGOA promises to cut down on wait times for counseling and other mental health services for students by hiring 20 new staffers, trained to tell students to stay positive or maybe try some exercise. The cost of these moves will be offset by reductions in trained mental health counseling staff, along with a new mandatory fee to be added to all students’ bills next semester.
“It was quite an innovative hiring strategy,” boasts Senior Recruitment Officer Dale Marlowe. “Instead of taking applications, we actually headhunted fast-food employees with high volumes of disciplinary infractions involving customer interactions. Not only could we offer them nominally more competitive pay, but they’re already experienced with hating their clientele. It’s exactly the sort of new perspective we need here at UofSC.”
Some students are already seeing the effects of JGOA. “I was starting to have a breakdown last week, and it was amazing how quickly the university health system was able to respond,” said history student Terry Michaels. “They helped me work through my emotions and talk about what a little bitch I was being. Now I realize that my major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety really are all in my head.”
At press time, the university’s much-maligned online counseling system TAO, criticized for being ineffective by students, is not planned to be changed.