Third Spur Wormhole Special: Report from Hellworld

Hello, loyal Third Spur enthusiasts! For this special edition of the Third Spur, we have a real treat for everyone. That’s right: we’re firing up the ol’ wormhole generator and giving you an exclusive news article from the apocalyptic hell world that exists in parallel to our own, reported directly from The Fourth Thorn, the alternate version of your very own Third Spur from Earth-616. Enjoy!

CULUMBIA – SCW – The University Institute of the South Carolina Wastelands will be raising its required tribute to attend for the 58-59 AW instruction semester, according to a news info-transmission from UISCW Lord Imperator Harrisus Pastidius. His Eminence Pastidius decreed that the required 6,000 exchange credits required per semester will be raised as planned to 6,500, and the 30 months service in the Holy Army of the University Institute is mandated to be increased to 32 months. This news comes in spite of prophecies received by the Blighted Seers predicting a freeze on tuition caused by the Doom Plague outbreak across the surviving world.

His Eminence Pastidius announced this decision in the wake of his celebrated return to power at the UISCW. The previous Imperator, Caselynn, seized power after withdrawing from his previous position as Arch-Inquisitor of WestCorp Military LLLLC. His rule came to a halt in Jyune of last year, when Caselynn accidentally recited the secret passphrase that would disable his mind control parasites during a rally. This resulted in a massive riot, forcing Caselynn to flee in his WestCorp Military LLLLC branded helicopter, purchased with exchange credits designated for barrack maintenance. 

Our Fourth Thorn political advisors say that this move was likely motivated because of manpower losses from the Doom Plague, the devastating new outbreak of plague that dissolves your lungs and enslaves your psyche to the Plaguemind. Fourth Thorn oracles foresee up to 20% of current Student-Thralls at UISCW to fail the mandated urine test and face reassignment to the front lines against the Bates Atomic Rebellion.

Our political advisors are confident the unilateral decision from Lord Imperator Pastidius will not cause civil unrest from any of his subjects, due, of course, to His Eminence literally just not being Caselynn.