Opinion: My New Boyfriend Sucks at Kissing, But I Can Fix It
After a couple of months of hard work, intense flirting, and many bottles of wine, I finally got the guy I like to kiss me this past weekend, with one glaring problem: he sucks at it.
“I just couldn’t breathe!” is what I blurted out when my best friend asked how it went. It was just waaay too much at once. It’s like if I went in for just a single slice of pie, but got the whole pie shoved in my face. The magnitude of it overwhelmed how sweet it was.
Unfortunately, this is not the first time I’ve been in this situation. I seem to be in the middle of a bad streak with guys who claim to be good kissers but just plain suck. However, this streak ends today.
Against the reality that none of the previous boys have ever improved, despite my best efforts, I will not give up until this one is properly trained like a dog. If not for my sanity, what am I supposed to tell my mom when she asks how my date went? I don’t need my mom judging my love life (or lack thereof) more than she already does.
How am I going to do this, you may ask? First, we’re going to start with some simple breathing exercises so he can have a calm mindset moving forward. Second, I have us both practice touching our tongues to our noses to improve flexibility. Third, right before he leans in, I dodge out of the way, giving him the perfect opportunity to practice with my pillow (this usually works five or six times in a row before he catches on). Fourth, if it starts to be too overwhelming, I have a spray bottle of lemon juice on hand to use in self defense. If none of this works, I may have to do something I’ve never done before – talk about the situation with him (the horror!).
It’s a shame we’re even in this situation, because in pretty much every other way, he’s perfect. I’m going to try these techniques for a week or so before throwing in the towel, and come to terms with the fact that I may have to start learning to hold my breath for minutes at a time during every make-out sesh.
