A recent upload from YouTuber Mr. Beast has the internet wondering if Jesus Christ’s title as Savior of the Human Race and Lord of Heaven and Earth is in danger.
In Mr. Beast’s most recent video, titled “I Cured 1,000 Peoples’ Blindness,” Beast pays for 1,000 cataract surgeries for people from around the world. This, of course, is the latest move from Beast and his supporters as they prepare for an epic anime-style showdown with Mr. Christ later this year.
Jesus popularized healing the blind all the way back in A.D. 31, when he made some mud with his spit and rubbed it in a blind man’s eyes. The move was celebrated at the time, although Mr. Christ’s unwillingness to upload video evidence of him actually performing the miracle has drawn some skepticism from modern influencers as to the legitimacy of the event.
We consulted local religion expert Rev. James Brown, associate pastor at Second Presbyterian Church in Columbia, who said ,”Without hard video evidence, we have no real way of knowing Jesus actually healed the blind. Mr. Beast, on the other hand, has a 9 minute video, with meme references and epic explosion edits to boot, of him actually performing the miracle.”
This is only the latest move from Beast and his supporters, as they move to “one-up” Jesus in all of his miracles. Jesus feeds 5,000, Beast feeds 5,000,000. Jesus heals 1 blind man, Beast heals 1000 blind men. A spokesperson for Mr. Beast said in an interview last week that “Mr. Beast is confident that he can match or do better than all of Jesus’ miracles.”
Insiders close to Beast tell us that he has procured a large wooden cross in preparation for his upcoming video, which is rumored to be titled “I Survived 50 HOURS of Crucifixion Before Dying for Your Sins.”
We reached out to Jesus Christ for comment, and his spokesangel agreed to sit with us for a Third Spur exclusive interview. He told us that Christ believes Mr. Beast is “totally wack, yo”, and that Jesus has offered to have an epic rap battle for the title. Details for the battle have not yet been confirmed, although neither party are too keen on traveling to the other’s plane of existence, as Jesus returning to Earth would trigger the end of the world and Mr. Beast would have to die in order to see Christ in heaven.
The spokesangel also spoke to us about how Jesus is preparing for the rap battle, as he has been out of the game for quite some time now. “Jesus has been consulting with rap legends Coolio, Tupac, and XXXTentacion to get his flow down. He’s also got a brand new drip, complete with some sweet dreads and some serious bling. Mr. Beast won’t be able to take his heat.” We also learned that “Jesus believes he has history on his side, as the last man to claim he was ‘bigger than Jesus’ ended up getting shot, so clearly there’s some divine vengeance thing going on here.”
The Catholic church, on an unrelated note, has ordered thousands of new stained glass windows, depicting Mr. Beast visiting Antarctica, building Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, and giving away Tesla cars.
The Third Spur will follow up on this development once the rap battle occurs.