As attentive and loyal readers of the Third Spur vividly remember, former USC president Bob Caslen unceremoniously left the university after blatantly plagiarizing his 2021 commencement address. In his Joe-Biden-eques gaff Caslen proudly announced that he was addressing the “University of Southern California,” more commonly referred to as USC, rather than the University of South Carolina. Although at the time it appeared to be nothing more than lazy speechwriting, in lite of recent events it appears that Caslen may be God’s appointed mouthpiece to the masses.
After President Michael Amiridis shortened the university’s abbreviation from UofSC to a simpler USC earlier today, many were quick to point out that Southern California also shared the same initials. After a bit of mental gymnastics, even students in Darla Moore realized that Caslen had predicted the name change over a full calendar year in advance of it occurring. This of course begged the question: were we too quick to rebuke Caslen for his apparent crimes? Have we exiled a soothsayer who alone holds the keys to our salvation? Will he ascend on judgement day and weigh our sins?
Some have been saying this all along. Members of Caslen’s Gate, a so-called religious group on campus, confirmed that Caslen is above our “pathetic existence.”
“Caslen saw the name change coming,” members of the Gate told The Third Spur, “He should be revered as such.”
If we are to accept the fact that Caslen is as close to a deity on earth as a mortal person can be, it is imperative that those who celebrated his dismissal from the university begin to offer atonement immediately. After all, outcry for his resignation is the equivalent of blood on our hands. It would be best to start by offering verbal repentance, but feel free to begin sacrificing goats and lambs at your leisure. It is also vital to consider what other divine knowledge Caslen may have dropped while president that the public was unaware of at the time. Could his militaristic policies been an elaborate attempt to spare us a smiting from a higher power?
Certainly Caslen, a saint among men, was involved in controversies even before taking the role of president of the university. However, armed with the newfound knowledge that Caslen was chosen as our modern-day savior, The Third Spur now questions our previous skepticism. Surely, we have not strayed far enough from the light to recognize a holy man when we see one.
Attempts to reach Caslen were met with some Maleficent-style cackling and a crude drawing of a seven headed dragon, however our resident theologian assures us that it’s nothing to worry about.