Say Goodbye to Horoscopes, and Hello to Hornoscopes!

Throw away your tarot cards, ouija board, and crystals. Your Co-Star app can guide you no longer. UofSC’s newest prophet, Cockdhi, has developed a new way to align your Cockras.

In a proclamation made on Davis Field, Cockdhi announced the idea of a new type of Astrology, Hornology™. “Brothers, sisters, to truly achieve self-realization, you must become one with your junk,” states Cockdhi. Hornology was developed by Cockdhi after he ate some strange-colored Hissho Sushi chicken. Cockdhi is self-proclaimed 69 years of age, and when asked where he’s from, he responded, “The same place you are—balls.”

Hornological signs are determined by moon cycles or some bullshit like that. Cockdhi mentioned that the tides shifting and the rotation of the Earth leads to a gravitational pull on the genitals that affects different signs differently. During certain phases, different signs are more attracted to different signs and vice-versa. Cockdhi sent us this file when we reached out for comment:

A group of Cockdhi followers majoring in computer science created the original app, Cock Star, to help students track and learn more about their hornoscope. Senior James Johnsonson, stated, “Cock Star and the teaching of Cockdhi have helped me become more in touch with my spirituality, and sexuality. I know exactly when to choke my chicken, and when I simply dozed off in class for a moment.”

However, not everybody on campus is buying into the new Hornological craze. Sophomore Ashton “Wind” Wilson, had this to say: “Hornology is some made-up bullshit. It makes a shame of true astrological readings. I’m an Aries, so like, if someone calls me an Assies, I’ll be like, SO angry.” Ashton then proceeded to throw a handful of crystals on the ground to find her way back to her car.

Cockdhi continues to spread his ideology and disseminate knowledge through speeches and colorful pamphlets.