3 Simple Steps to Getting a Boyfriend in a Conservative Household

Living in a conservative household means that your family adheres to extremely traditional and strict rules. However, as a liberal Gen Z woman, I could not settle for not having a boyfriend. If I wanted to obtain one, I knew I had to get creative. After much deliberation, restless nights, a few Bangs (the energy drink, of course), and countless hours spent on BibleHub, I concocted the perfect plan. Here’s how I did it: 

Step 1: Get a girlfriend.

Wait. Hear me out! This sounds preposterous, but it makes absolute sense. 

I knew that my parents said that I couldn’t have a boyfriend, but they never mentioned anything about having a girlfriend. So I downloaded Tinder, found a beautiful girl, and then went out on a date with her. Although I didn’t expect it to happen so quickly, we started a relationship together. 

Step 2: Come out to your parents.

Once you have the (wo)man of your dreams, the next step is to introduce the “love of your life” to your parents.

After the initial shock wore off, I told them about our plans. She and I had decided to move to California to join a hippie couple that we found off of Craigslist. They promised us a place to stay and an authentic hippie experience, so we just had to take them up on that offer. I also mentioned the fact that after living with the hippies for a few years in California, we would travel East and join the Navajo Nation, because I have always wanted to learn more about their beautiful culture and their ways—and maybe embark on a spiritual journey (with the help of peyote). 

Before I could finish, you can imagine what happened next. I think the only reason they hadn’t reacted sooner was probably that they were in shock. Or confused. Most likely both shocked and confused. 

Step 3: Use the leverage to negotiate on your own terms.

This is the final and most important step.

Something as outlandish as this ought to encourage your parents to reconsider their rules. It is imperative to maintain your leverage by consistently emphasizing that unless they alter the rule of having no boyfriend, you will run off with your girlfriend to Cali and spend the rest of your lives smoking dope and meditating. 

Assuming your parents want you to go to college, graduate, marry a man, and have three children, they will acquiesce to letting you have a boyfriend now. Of course, this means you will have to break up with your girlfriend, but you will finally get what you’ve been wanting. 

This plan may seem preposterous, but trust me, it is completely foolproof as long as you follow the recipe as it’s written. I mean, after getting a boyfriend, we actually ended up getting married! 

But… I have been reflecting on the past recently, and I was thinking, did I make the right choice?

(Esmerelda, if you are reading this—I think I made a mistake. I miss you…)