Ladies, is Galentine’s Day just not cutting it anymore? Fellas, are you tired of being alone every February 14th? Not to worry,The Third Spur is here to help!
Valentine’s Day is always a weird time for those of us who are “Forever Alone.” Gone are the good old days where you can simply put a hand written valentine in that little cardboard box in elementary school. Nowadays, Valentine’s Day is confusing, awkward, and even a little embarrassing if you don’t end up finding “The One” in time! But if you think Valentine’s Day is only reserved for long-term couples, or those with a little more luck in the love department, think again. With today’s modern technology, along with a bit of secret knowledge, anybody can have a somebody for this important day!
Here’s our top seven ways to get a last minute Valentine’s Day date!
1. Ask someone!
This is the classic method. Since the beginning of Valentine’s Day, people have been asking other people to be their Valentines. Give this one a shot first before trying anything else. Trust us, the other methods may get a bit messy… but if you need some help for this one, we’re here.
2. A little help?
If you want some help, science always has your back! Try using some aphrodisiacs, like chocolate, strawberries, or avocados! They’ve been scientifically proven to help you capture the heart of someone (figuratively, not literally! He wouldn’t want that yet.) Try dressing up a bit, take her out to dinner. Don’t forget to work out beforehand! While no one likes a stinky boy, studies have shown that the pheromones you can release can be a major help! If all of this doesn’t work, it looks like we gotta go with the Old Wisdom for your case.
3. The Old Wisdom?
So you tried out our other methods and had no luck. That’s a rough one, bud, but it happens to the best of us. Good thing we here at The Third Spur know a few tricks to help give you another shot, eh? There’s some things that even modern science can’t get right, but we haven’t forgotten the Old Ways of His Knowledge. And this is the perfect opportunity for when you need His Secret Knowledge. First, get a little bit of her hair. They say the way doesn’t matter, but trust me, you don’t want the wrong hair! He doesn’t like it when you mess up. Next, get a little bit of your blood, and mix it up with the hair. Then, use this to paint a 5 pointed spiral, with a bit of silver in the middle. At midnight, go to the closest mirror. Don’t look out the window. As for what you need next, well, you know how it goes! That’s between you and Him!
4. Nothing happened, but I think the moon is red now?
This is exactly what happens when you can’t follow directions. Look at that, you didn’t get pure silver, that’s sterling at best! Look what you’ve done now. No matter how red the Moon gets, stay away from those windows, or you-know-who is gonna do you-know-what, you know what I’m saying? You don’t? Ah… of course you don’t. No wonder you couldn’t even get a measly date. In any case, stay away from your shadows, He’s probably already awakened them. Well, good luck with tha-
5. Wait, you can’t leave me here!
Oh yes I can. I’m not sticking around for when He shows up. You can deal with his Scourge Behemoths and Plagued Torments by yourself, I’m not touching that with a 10 foot pole.
6. But it’s your fault I’m in this mess!
Oh no, I just give simple instructions to lonely people on Valentine’s Day. It’s not my fault you’re so much of a loser you’d conduct the Fallen Wraith Ritual and mess it up because you were that desperate! It’s probably worth mentioning it’s too late for you now, if you hadn’t figured that yet.
7. Wait, Why Do I Hear Whispers?
That means He’s here! Tell Him I said hello.
At least you don’t have to worry about a Valentine’s Date anymore!
Don’t forget to check out The Third Spur for more romantic advice!