Halloween is Scary, But Do You Know What’s Really Scary… Talking to Women

I don’t get who wouldn’t want to date a guy who touches their balls consistently to make sure they maintain fertility, piss in and all over the toilet seat to mark territory and maintain dominance of the area, and forbid wearing deodorant so they can give off a alpha male scent. I don’t get scared by traditionally scary things, I watched the Jeffery Dahmer TV series and laughed when he ate people. Which is like the opposite of being scared. That means I was really not scared. That’s how unafraid I am of scary things. VERY UNAFRAID.

Not only was I so unafraid I laughed, I think I would be brave enough to actually eat a human. I am that un-scared of scary things. THATS HOW UN-SCARED I AM. 

I AM AN ALPHA MALE. But as kryptonite is to Superman is what boobies are to me. They’re terrifying. Yet I cant stop looking at them when I walk by them. They scare me. 

I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT. Shouldn’t girls like I when I look at their boobs? I will go to the bar and go up to a girl and stare. THEY SHOULD TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT. And girls are soooo selfish with them too. 

DO YOU WANT TO SOLVE WORLD HUNGER?!?!? If all the women joined together they can stop world hunger and just used their boobs to feed people milk, there would be no more hungry people.

Yet they don’t because they’re selfish.

PLEASE LADIES I AM HUNGRY. Those starving people are me. 

Like all of your favorite professional athletes growing up said, “Got Milk?” I like athletes because they are always sweaty, like me. 

I have realized that I am not the problem. All women are selfish. They’re too scary. I do everything I can, yet they scare me. It is their fault. They’re too scary. Even my family isn’t innocent.

A few months ago my older sister discovered what a crop top is and now every time I come home I have to walk around my house with an athletic cup to shield my area of embarrassment. 

I think we need to eliminate all women. 

You see… I have a revolutionary win win scenario. 

What we do is first is we start a rock and crystal convention. We get all of the women on earth to show up by getting Pete Davidson to show up because for some how women like that and we will also provide unlimited free Zumba classes. 

We also can’t take any risks so we get rid of all sugary foods and outlaw all gyms and protein powder, along with doing pushups. We can’t risk the threat of any boobs. 

Because let me just say this, my roommate recently put on the freshmen 15 and as each day goes by I spend more and more time staring as his chest as he sleeps shirtless.

With this convention all the bros will finally be free! All the boobed people will be distracted meaning no more funny tingling in my pants for me.

Just imagine this utopia. No more of all of those women serial killers. No more women street fights. No more female gangs. No more female ISIS. No more of those women who spike drinks. They’re all gone. Just men. No more being scared.