Drip, Drip, Drip. Squish, Squish, Squish. He’s Back.

*Breathe in*

*Breathe out*

Think fast. You don’t have much time.

I know, we thought he was gone too. We were wrong. All we have now is the unscrupulous will to live. Now, move!

He can hear you. He can see you. He can probably smell you. We are not sure though, he doesn’t have visible nostrils. Quick, duck into TCoop. It’ll be harder for him to find you there. Among the books.

You run downstairs, you run into the Technology Lounge on the 5th floor. You think to yourself, “No drinks without lids. Huh. If he can’t unscrew himself, he can’t hurt me.”

Right, but so wrong. He doesn’t care about enough about our arbitrary rules for this to work.


You hear yells coming from the Starbucks.

“I ordered caramel drizzle in my drink! Not Minty Fresh Whitening ®!” , cried Tiffany (2003-2022).

Hidden under the desk housing the one color printer in the entire University, you look up. Thick, white paste oozing from the ceiling. It’s him.

For the love of everything holy, get out of there!

You run into Russell House, straight to Twisted Taco. He won’t be able to see you, hidden among the crowd of people waiting. After hiding there for 20 odd some minutes, you decide that you’re in the clear and you order a taco. After another 30 some odd minutes, you get that taco. Tired from your journey to safety, you swiftly bite into it.


Something doesn’t taste right.

This isn’t queso, this is …


The entire whole side of Russell House, swept away in a wave of minty, white fluid. You try to run, but for some reason, you can’t move. You look down; you’re in the viscous paste.

The smoke and dust clears. You look up. You’re alone. Everyone has disappeared or ran away. Except one.

The Toothpaste Man stands there glaring at you. Toothpaste dripping from his mouth, his hands, his cap. He reaches down to unscrew it.

“I’ve been waiting for you. All of this time, so patiently waiting.”

You’re frozen in fear. You can barely let out a whimper. I would start praying if I were you.

The Toothpaste Man stands tall over you. He removes his cap and braces.


Suddenly a blue alcoholic wave rushes past. It burns your nostrils and eyes, but it hurts The Toothpaste Man worse. He yelps in pain.

The Mouthwash Man!

Mouthwash Man winks at you and tells you to get out of there. You look down and notice that the mouthwash washed away your whitening toothpaste prison.

You run fast. As you look back, you see The Mouthwash Man grab The Toothpaste man, pull him in close, and then proceed to descend into Hell. The last thing you hear are the screams of The Toothpaste Man.

You return to your dorm room, hoping this was all a dream. You’ve once again escaped the hands of The Toothpaste Man.