Nreally Fcool Thirdspurtokens: Get ‘Em While They’re Hot

[need title that is the polar opposite of what you just read]

We’ll admit: this year has been rough on our writing room. With budget cuts, a new president, and that one cyberattack by the Daily Gamecock (you’ll never prove we stole those print editions, Carol), the Third Spur has been a bit pressed for cash. Unrelated, though, we here at HQ are beyond excited to share our newest venture: the uber-rare, ultra-exclusive collection of Third Spur NFTs, starting at only $1,250 a pop.

What are NFTs, you ask? Take it back. Not because we don’t know, because we definitely do, but because if you don’t understand what an NFT is at this point, you may as well just go back to the rock you’ve been hiding under. Our Thirdspurtokens, inspired by the grim list of options our treasurer gave us to keep the organization afloat, are a fun, flirty, and cheap (only $1800!) way to diversify your portfolio.

What are they, you wonder? Well, we can tell you what they’re NOT: fungible. That’s right, these babies are the most non-fungible tokens you’ve ever… tried to funge. More than that, though, each of these $2100 beauties is completely unique! Collected from the trash folder of our draft directory, these precious little treasures are certain to get turn the heads of everyone on the blockchain. If you buy them now, not only will our writers be allowed to take their weekly 5-minute breaks again, but you’ll own the only copy of a random piece of garbage! You’re so lucky!

It looks like the interns who hand-crank the generator are getting a bit tired, so I’ve got to go gently remind them that their families would be very sad if next week’s edition isn’t published on time. Don’t pass up this amazing opportunity to purchase an NFT from our collection—at only $3600 per token, they’re going real fast. And don’t forget to tell your friends about this wonderful opportunity, too! Please.