Fraternity Exposed as Group of Serial Killers

UofSC fraternity Delta Iota Epsilon had their houses raided by UofSCPDThursday after an anonymous tip led police to suspect the fraternity of being a group of serial killers. From its groundbreaking name to its charming drives for barrels of acid, the fraternity was seen as the most logical next step in Greek Life. And with its many connections to Pastides to provide study abroad programs, it more than earned the reputation of sending freshmen to a happier place.

When police kicked down the doors of Delta Iota, they reported “immediately coming into contact with three freshmen on the floor, gagged and blindfolded.” Behind the freshman were the upperclassmen who—to the surprise of the police—brandished chains, whips, and miscellaneous blades.

For three years, their rituals of unapologetic torture were hidden behind the label “hazing”, which had been deemed acceptable by the fraternity council. Examples included tying docking-rope around pledges’ necks to see who could tolerate the longest blackouts, sending the pledges through barbed-wire obstacle courses, and tearing off the ends of their fingers to see who wouldn’t be a total girl about a little hangnail.

One of the young men who was rescued insisted that the fraternity was only seeing which one of them was the most in shape, explaining that the pledges were even served punch. “The campus police have apprehended the wrong guys, man. These guys were so cultured,” this freshman said. “They always served this really strange meat. And I love the architecture—the walls felt like something was stuffed behind them.”

USCPD spokesman John Doe spoke to reporters, offering some thoughts on the matter. He highlighted the fact that Delta Iota didn’t indulge in any serious misdemeanors outside of the hazings. He said this directly influenced the fact that occurrences of drunkenness in or around Delta Iota Epsilon’s house dwarfed in comparison to the other bros’ [sic] houses. “Simply put, besides this minor stain,” Doe insists, “they are still the best that Greek Life has to offer.”