Third Spur Exclusive Tours: An insider’s tour of UofSC’s new state-of-the-art Cocky cloning vat facility

Hi, loyal readers! Welcome once again to The Third Spur’s exclusive tours, where we tour campus and tell you about the places they would never let you go!  Last week’s exploration of the Secrets of the Steam Tunnels was popular, but this week we have a real treat for you!

Last month, the University of South Carolina’s Department of Genetic Manipulation and Human Experimentation quietly unveiled their newest, state of the art mascot cloning facilities.  Now, we’ve been lucky enough to have been given an insider’s tour of the facility. Spoiler: its freaking cool!

We began our tour in the facility deep underground. Unfortunately, the location of the entrance to the facility is still very classified (but as a hint, you know that building they should have demolished but never seem to? Yeah, that’s why!) Our first stop was Research and Development, where 20 of the University’s finest scientists and engineers were hard at work developing the next generation of Cocky.  Our guide told us that all of the faculty are pulled from the best of the best from their jobs above-ground, leaving the rest to deal with the students or whatever faculty does.

The next stop was the Recycling center, according to our guide.  “Here is where the Cockys of previous years are, how do you say, repurposed.  All raw materials from the older, worn out Cockys that can be are repurposed for the new materials,” he said in a deep European accent for some reason. As he spoke, our journalists were able to see the amazing sight of an actual recycling event in action!  The Cocky, worn out and beer-soaked from Saturday’s game, was taken to the Center struggling against it’s fate.  After a quick sedative injection (nicknamed the sleepy-time-stick, our guide tells us!) he peacefully went to his fate.

The next portion of our tour was by far the most impressive.  The Third Spur was given exclusive access to the main cloning vat facility, where we were able to see at least 300 different vats, with Cockys in different stages of development surrounding us as we walked along the catwalk of the place.

To cap off our tour, the guide promised us a real treat, and we saw it.  In the next room, we saw what they refer to as “The Prime:” The original Cocky, the template from which all other Cockys are measured. It looked totally dope, floating in the stasis tank to keep it asleep. It had this funny looking writing that our guide said were “arcane runes designed to keep it anchored in our reality” and blah blah blah, but all I could see what that it was just a huge and glowing Cocky!

This facility is really something else! If you want to see where your most beloved Gamecocks mascot comes from, we really recommend checking this place out! It’s an experience you won’t forget, and we certainly can’t keep the Prime out of our minds or our dreams!