How to Afford a Ticket to the Final Four

We are all looking for a way to gather up enough dough to make the pilgrimage to Phoenix to see the Gamecocks attempt history. Unfortunately, you probably spent all your hard-earned money on celebratory Kamikaze shots at Five Points after the Elite Eight win and now find yourself strapped for cash. We here at The Third Spur sympathize with your financial difficulties, and are here to offer our best advice:

• Host a bake sale on Greene Street: Bake sales are a tried and true way to raise some extra cash on the side! This method has been used by pushy sororities and loud religious groups alike. This works best when you yell as loudly as possible and simply won’t take “No” from innocent people for an answer! Plus, you can finally try out your roommate Bergie’s “special” brownie recipe.

• Sell your class notes: Who cares if you were half asleep when you wrote them, or if you have the handwriting of a second grader with 1 ½ fingers? Take advantage of all those dumb kids that are freaking out about that open-note test in two weeks. Those naïve freshmen in your Biology 101 class won’t even know your professor posts all the Powerpoints to Blackboard.

• Attempt to trade in Carolina Cash: Rumor has it that the Bursar’s Office is exchanging excess Carolina Cash for airline vouchers. Make sure you call in quickly and demand to have this deal met before it’s too late! They only want the best and the brightest students to take advantage of this opportunity, so make sure you use all the tools you acquired in your SAEL class to be persuasive and persistent!

• Make bootleg Final Four t-shirts: Take advantage of the elation on campus right now! If it says “Final Four” on it, someone will buy it at a steep price. Purchase cheap t-shirts from Wal-Mart and decorate them yourself at minimal cost. Target tour groups for incoming freshmen with parents and they will be so excited to be included, they won’t even notice you just made it with magic marker!

• Drop out for one semester: Take that gap year you always wish you took after high school! Finals are coming up and you’re looking at a solid 1.90 GPA for this semester anyway. Tuition? Books? Rent? Those costs really add up! Just drop out and use the excess cash to celebrate your newfound freedom!

• Stowaway in President Pastides’ private plane: Cruise out to Phoenix in style! Hide yourself in a suitcase and subtly sneak into the cargo hold of Pastides’ private jet. Quick, efficient, and you won’t even have to deal with that pesky TSA screening!

• Sell one, or both, of your kidneys: What do those things even do anyway? We’re pretty sure they aren’t vital enough to make a difference, and they are worth at least $75 each! If you need a little bit more money, don’t stop there. Give up part of your liver, or even a lung! If you’re still breathing, you’re making profit!

• Kidnap Sindarius Thornwell: Simple and fun! Include an eerie ransom note. If you don’t go, they won’t win. Plus, what’s the price of a felony when you consider a free ticket and some quality “alone time” with Sindarius?

If you follow these tips, you too could be dancing with the Gamecocks in Phoenix this weekend!