NSA Agent Falling For Woman Whose Emails He’s Been Reading

NSA Agent [REDACTED] tracks emails from dozens of citizens everyday, scanning them, reading them, and making sure that they don’t suddenly become terrorists. Most of the emails [REDACTED] reads are fairly boring, but recently, the emails from one citizen have been catching his eye.

“She’s been sending me love letters,” [REDACTED] said. “Well, they’re not actually for me. They’re for her boyfriend. But I like to think she keeps me in her mind when she sends them.”

Jennifer Toulaine, the woman who has been sending the emails, first caught the eye of the agency after her frequent posts on an anti-western forum under the username ihateamerica79. “When you look at her earlier posts,” [REDACTED] said, “her fiery passion is evident. I love a woman with conviction.”

Following her active forum status, the NSA noticed frequent emails to Yemeni email addresses. “She likes to talk a lot about chemistry. She seems really interested in things like combustion and explosions. I don’t know much about that, but I like a girl who knows her stuff.”

Recently, however, Toulaine’s emails have been featuring mentions of Chicago, as well as several maps of the city, all with the Sears Tower circled. “I’ve always wanted to visit Chicago,” [REDACTED] said. “I’ve actually been thinking about trying to meet her there. From what I’ve found, she’s going to be there on July 7, 2015 at 3:17 PM. It’s odd that she has that all planned out so far in advance, but who doesn’t like a girl who’s organized?”

The fact that Toulaine already has a boyfriend doesn’t really bother [REDACTED] very much. “So what if she’s dating someone? What does this Al guy have that I don’t?” [REDACTED] remains confident that he has a good shot with her, because he has more external hard drives with personal data on Toulaine than any other man ever could.

“Some may say I have my head in the clouds,” [REDACTED] said, “but I think it might be fate. Hey, who knows what will happen when we meet up? What happens in Chicago stays in Chicago.”