Father Cleans Battle Axe, Tours Torture Chamber with Daughter’s New Boyfriend

Local father Charles Parker happened to be cleaning an 8th century battle axe this evening at exactly the same time his daughter Christina, 17, brought over her new boyfriend. Boyfriend Jordan Burrows, 18, says he had to sit quietly on the couch and wait for Christina to be ready, as her father stroked the blade.

According to Christina’s mother, Charles and Jordan made idle chit-chat for a few minutes before Charles offered to show Jordan his “trophy room.” She claims that Jordan sheepishly squeaked out a “sure” and the two descended into the basement.

Burrows later said that at this point, things became “really intense.”

“He led me down to the trophy room and showed me everything he has killed.” Burrows went on to say that Mr. Parker began describing, in great detail, how all of the animals were killed, saying, “it’s such an incredible feeling to remove any semblance of life from an organism. So much power, to decide the fate of each living being. It’s like being God.”

It was at this point that Parker asked Burrows if he would like to see “where the work is really done.”

“He pushed me into a room with three cages, each with a live deer inside,” Burrows said. “There was enough room for the door to stand, but not move beyond that. Then he slaughtered a deer in front of me. He told me it’s where he comes when he gets stressed.”

Burrows explained that despite now being covered in blood, Mr. Parker told him that there was one more stop on the tour. “He said, ‘and this is where I keep all of the fun stuff,’ and he flipped on the light to the room. He has several iron maidens, vessels for boiling people, racks, and guillotines down there. He said that he’s fascinated by pain.”

When Charles and Jordan emerged from the basement after 10 minutes, Mrs. Parker said Jordan “looked paler than normal” and that he “must’ve really appreciated [her] husband’s craftsmanship.”

When Christina finally descended from upstairs and was ready to go, Mr. Parker was reported as having whispered, “Back by 10, or you’ll be an experiment” in Jordan’s ear just before he shut the door behind him.

At press time, Jordan was seen telling Christina that he’s actually interested in men and also moving two states away tomorrow.