Amazon’s Jeff Bezos often draws comparison to oil baron John Rockefeller’s corpse, but to be able to tell who is objectively better, you have to take a look at the numbers. And here they are.
Jeff Bezos is no young man at 54 years, but the decaying carcass of Rockefeller has him soundly beat at an impressive 179 years, or 3.3 times Bezos’ age.
Bezos, once a puny, weak man, has packed on a lot of muscle in the past few years, tipping the scale at over 165 lbs. Rockefeller’s desiccated remains, however, weigh in at just under 5 pounds. This one goes to Bezos.
DISTANCE ABOVE THE GROUND
When it comes to distance above the ground, Bezos sits on his ivory throne held up by a human pyramid of the entire populations of Boston, Chicago, and Atlanta combined, giving him a height above the ground of 457 feet. Rockefeller, however, sits in his grave 6 feet below the ground. Step it up, Rockefeller’s corpse!
SECURITY STRENGTH OF AMAZON PRIME PASSWORD
A man of the digital age, Bezos is no stranger to cyber-security. Security experts rate Bezos’ password, “Un10nBu$t@69,” as a 13.9. The experts were less impressed with the corpse of John D. Rockefeller, who stupidly made his password “password,” earning him a score of 1. Better luck next time, rotten Rockefeller!
Bezos is a well known beet freak. As such, he frequently and proudly boasts to have eaten 67,241 beets in his life. However, records show that the dead philanthropist had consumed 1,567 beets, which, adjusted for inflation, is 67,241 beets, exactly the same number as Bezos!
BATHROOM VISITS DURING THE HARDING PRESIDENCY
An important detail for any comparison is the number of bathroom visits during Warren G. Harding’s tenure as president. In this category, Rockefeller’s lifeless body routes Bezos 1,731 to 0.
NUMBER OF TRUSTS BUSTED
Rockefeller’s Standard Oil trust was busted in 1911 into 34 separate companies. This gives his remains a slight lead over Bezos, who thus far has not had any of his companies dismantled by the federal government. Maybe someday, Jeff!
That concludes all of the metrics that the two men can be compared on. Now it’s time to tally the score. Bezos wins 3 categories, as does Rockefeller’s body, with one tie. That means that overall, the two men are one and the same, and thus are ultimately indistinguishable and interchangeable.