Future Alcoholic Takes First Sip Of Wine With Parents

Near the end of his family dinner yesterday evening, Timmy Lowe, 8, took his first sip of wine in what will become a life riddled with alcoholism.

Timmy’s mother Cathy reportedly commented that Timmy looked “so grown up” holding the glass, unaware that in just a handful of years her son will regularly spend half of his paycheck at neighborhood liquor stores. Lowe, not yet aware of his eventual tragic spiral into a decades-long battle with alcohol, believes that he will have the will-power and discipline required to become an astronaut or firefighter, sources say.

At press time, when asked by his parents what he thought of the wine, Timmy reported that he liked the taste.