Valentine’s Day Horoscopes

Aries: There are lots of Capricorns in your area that want to have sex with you!

Taurus: Your stubbornness will make any attempt to provide romantic advice worthless. Therefore, no attempt will be made. Move along.

Gemini: Much like the twins that represent the Gemini, you’re not unique in any conceivable way.

Cancer: Remember how you watched Netflix’s A Christmas Prince every day for 18 days straight? Yeah, it’ll be that except it’ll be Definitely, Maybe 7 times in one day.

Leo: According to your financial records, you don’t have enough money to treat your spouse to the Valentine’s day they deserve. Fake your own kidnapping and use the ransom money to give them a night they’ll never forget.

Virgo: Valentine’s day is irrelevant for you as a Virgo, since the sign is a virgin. Keep up the fight lil homie, you’ll get there eventually.

Libra: Don’t take the bait for sexual relations with your spouse. Continue being angry at them for whatever they did last week, because having sex is not going to make that problem go away.

Scorpio: Love continues to evade you. Consider radically changing fundamental aspects of yourself in order to attract a mate.

Sagittarius: Win over the person who’s constantly shrugged off your advances and considers you to be a friend. And don’t worry about that restraining order either, they’re just playing hard to get.

Capricorn: Aries will be pursuing you with an excessive amount of zeal. Best to stay inside.

Aquarius: Mercury is in line with the moons and compliments the stars this period. Take this as a sign to dump that worthless piece of garbage you’ve been seeing lately, provided you still get a Valentine’s day dinner first.

Pisces: Take pride in the fact that you realize that Valentine’s day is a shallow misrepresentation of love and exists solely to benefit greeting card and chocolate companies, and the restaurant industry. Don’t forget to buy your spouse chocolates and a nice card before dinner.