Entire Nation Loses Presidential Debate

In a report released Thursday morning, political analysts announced that the United States as a whole had lost the final Presidential Debate Wednesday.

Despite the wide range of topics discussed, the nation was unable to shake the weight of several recent scandals, including its 150 years of slavery and nearly $20 trillion in debt. Further, the Democratic Republic was unable to defend itself when criticized for its criminal record, with millions of robberies, assaults and murders having occurred within its borders. When presented with most foreign policy topics, the nation gently shrugged.

One editor wrote, “It’s surprising to me that America was able to hold its own this long into the campaign. It’s been clear from the beginning that it wasn’t equipped to survive a face to face confrontation with the candidates.”

At press time, the nation had returned to its campaign headquarters, under several blankets in the living room.