USC Cancels Future Graduations To Increase Retention Rates

It’s no secret that USC has struggled to maintain a reputable retention rate, but recently the university revealed the next plan to improving retention rates: cancelling future graduations.

This strategy of never letting students leave appears similar to strategies utilized by prisons and overprotective parents, both of which have drawn comparisons to USC.

In a recent statement to the press, USC Provost Joan Gabel explained the logic behind this decision: “Every year, we welcome approximately six thousand new freshman to our campus. While this should increase our total university population, we have foolishly been allowing approximately six thousand seniors to leave each year. Our mistake has prevented the USC community from reaching its full potential. We are unsure at the present time how this loophole went unnoticed for so long, but now we fully intend to mend this broken system.”

As several Third Spur analysts have calculated, with all future graduations being cancelled, the USC student body population is expected to increase to 45,000 students by 2020, and should increase to approximately 250,000 students by 2050, which would make USC the second-largest university in the nation behind the University of Phoenix.

While several students have raised concerns about what they should do with their extra sixty to seventy years on campus, some students are taking advantage of their new found time to expand their academic horizons. Current sophomore Randy Alderman is excited about the opportunities ahead of him.

“Normally I wouldn’t have ever taken a Southern Studies or Political Science class, but now I should be able to major in both fields and finish them up just before I hit my midlife crisis,” Alderman told The Third Spur. The student body as a whole projects to average 13-14 majors per person, making them the most qualified students in history.

At press time, it was confirmed that USC will not be expanding on-campus housing in the future, but the possibility of allowing students to live on the first floor of Thomas Cooper Library is currently being explored.