5 Ways to Get People the Fuck Out of Your House on Thanksgiving

If you’re the unfortunate soul hosting Thanksgiving this year, be prepared for a bunch of friends and family to overstay their welcome long into the night. Lucky for you, our editors have created a comprehensive guide to get all those free-loaders out of your fucking house so you can go to sleep.

  1. Unplug the cable

You know that all your lazy-ass family members are gonna plop themselves down in front of the TV as soon as they finish their third plate, and then fall asleep for the next 4 hours. Remove that from the equation, and as soon as they hear the TV is out, they’ll be gone in no time!

  1. Toss blocks of uranium in various parts of the house

As soon as the last speck of food is finished, start casually tossing blocks of uranium throughout the house. As long as the radiation doesn’t kill them instantly, they should be out of your house in no time. They’ll shut up either way.

  1. Turn on really bad music

Nothing kills a party faster than bad music. Take this knowledge and play something that everybody in your family will hate. Consider anything with even a slightly liberal message.

4. Push grandma down the stairs

What’s she doing trying to go up stairs anyway? She can’t even see! Lucky for you, that will work to your advantage. Tell her the only working bathroom is upstairs, and once she gets halfway up the steps, send her tumbling. Remember to not kick her too hard, because if you kill her, then the coroner will have to come, and that means even MORE people in the house.

5. Just leave

Get up from the table, and just walk out the door. Start a new life with a family who isn’t such a burden.

We hope this list helps, and we here at the Third Spur hope you have nice, quiet Thanksgiving!