In a press conference held today along the more hammock-ier side of Thomas Cooper Library, one USC student finally admitted what had long been suspected of him- he has no fucking clue where his classes are.
Mark Lopez, astonishingly a senior at USC, had oft been speculated upon by the local media and students alike. At first, Lopez appeared to be just another student staring at his phone on the way to class but soon the behavior was realized to be much more than that.
Nursing student Charlie Thompson told The Third Spur “I heard a small voice come out of his phone when I was walking behind him last year. It said ‘in 500 feet, turn right onto Gervais Street.’ He forgot to mute the navigation.”
When he spoke this afternoon, Lopez explained how exposed he had felt. “I just wanted to be sure I went to the right building. Out of nowhere, I started to be followed. Everyone knew but I hid my shame and denied all statements.”
As the semester drew to a close, Lopez had been given an onslaught of nicknames from “Christopher Columbia” to “Amelia Brainfart.” At the helm of his senior year, Mark Lopez finally called a press conference from 4:05 to 4:25 in between his classes. He opened with a story that details his summer working as a philosophy intern. He explained that he had an important realization during the experience. “I learned that everyone is a little lost in this world and that I shouldn’t be ashamed of that,” he said.
“You were right all along. I have been using Google Navigation to lead me to my classes. I have no clue where the Close-Hipp building is to this day. Are they both Close? Is one Hipp? We may never truly know. In closing, may I remind my fellow students that regardless of status, we all hold the choice to make or not make the next possible u-turn…in life,” he ended.
With that, Lopez walked away, not a device in hand. Unfortunately, he was unable to find the Humanities building that day and, at the time of press, is still missing.