Reports coming from various parts of Florida indicate that residents are boarding up windows and stocking up on supplies in anticipation of Spring Break 2017.
Spring Break, colloquially referred to as “Early Hurricane Season” by local residents, is dangerous. “It’s loud, all our shit gets destroyed, everything is sopping wet, and the state is left in utter ruin,” Panama City Beach native and bald man Francis Dyrden stated. “Last year, I was walking down the street and a topless girl climbed on top my shoulders and did a line of cocaine off of my head.” Dyrden added that not even suburban residents are safe. “I live 15 miles from the beach and still find empty beer cans and passed-out Tri-Delts on my front lawn.”
Daytona Beach resident Rita Porter, 68, said that she came home from church during Spring break last year only to find seventeen college students had broken into her house. They claimed they thought it was their AirBnB. Porter explained the scene: “Those hellraisers were everywhere. They were in my pool, almost all of them were naked, and one dumb bitch broke both her legs trying to jump off the roof into the pool.”
During Spring Break, most Florida residents only travel between the hours of 8 am and 1 pm, what they call “peak hangover period.” Many take this time to travel to Home Depot, Publix and Costco to scavenge for supplies, hoping to avoid the wrath of the Spring Breakers.
At press time, a Hooters outside Jacksonville had just taken a reservation from a large hoard of spring breakers, sending the city into a frenzy.