Last Night Absolutely Bereft of Good Decisions

Sources close to you this morning confirmed that last night, a Wednesday night, was totally devoid of any positive decision-making. Citing your several-hours-long trip “DT,” and the Instragram profile of the individual you brought home with you, it was established that no portion of your evening would inspire much pride later on.

While early reports from last night stated that you were “getting the ball rolling on a few assignments,” things seemed to quickly change after your roommate retweeted an advertisement for low-price liquor at a local bar. For reasons that are currently unclear, you also chose to drive yourself to the establishment, effectively stranding you once your will power to have “just one” inevitably failed. Once inside, it was less than one half-hour before you were thrown from a bucking mechanical bull. Directly afterwards, reports say you very nearly decided to put down your drink, but changed your mind immediately upon seeing one acquaintance from your accounting class.

“It’s a sign,” you told a nearby stranger.

It’s hasn’t been determined at this point how exactly you and your one night stand made your way back to your apartment, but experts seem confident that you could not have operated the Uber app after finishing four half-empty fishbowls. They also made it clear you wouldn’t have been able to afford surge pricing with $5 remaining in your bank account.

At press time, you awoke, beginning to remember what a piece of shit you are.